Right, I know I'm the new kid on the block here at Famecrawler, but I've been working my tail off getting into the gossip game. I love it here. My fellow bloggers are all very friendly and snarky - just the way I like 'em - and we have loads of great (and some insane) commenters.
Here's how dedicated I am to this new gig: I actually sat through the MTV Video Music Awards last night. The. Whole. Thing. Holy hell, what a clusterfook THAT shit was. I haven't watched the VMA's since, well, the 80s. You know, back when MTV actually played music videos. I haven't seen a video on MTV since Clinton was in office.
Now I know why I hate awards shows. Last night's show was absolutely terrible in almost every respect. It was slow, it was boring, and most every music performance blew big chunks. If you missed it, feel blessed because God was obviously smiling down upon you. Go play the lottery right now. Really, you're THAT lucky. There wasn't a single thing worth seeing, trust me.
And now, because I know you care, let me run through the VMA's as I see it. I'm referring to my tweets on Twitter last night to refresh my memory because the atrocity was just that memorable.
Let's start with the British "comedian" Russell Brand. Who the frak is this moron? I know he was in "Forgetting Sarah Marshall," but the dude is not funny. Not for one solitary second. In fact, he was terrible. Why on Earth MTV decided to let this moron host their failing trainwreck of an awards show is beyond me. He started off on a political rant and just kept going downhill for over 2 hours.
He cracked a lot of offensive remarks, many aimed at the chaste Jonas Brothers. He made fun of them for wearing promise rings on their fingers and said he planned on stealing the rings from the boys by, well, you get the idea, I'm sure. Listen, I'm not a Jonas Brothers fan. I thought the song they sang last night sucked, but I know I'm not in their prepubescent demographic. However, I do think it's a pretty refreshing thing to see young men in show biz not out whoring around, sleeping with as many women as they can. And believe me, based on the crowd reaction during their performance, they could easily get a truckload of women. Or girls. Whatever. I was a virgin until I was 18 - granted, it wasn't voluntary, but still. The Jonas Brothers could get laid every hour of every day if they wanted, bastards.
Brand was an asshole to them. And everyone else. Except for when he was licking Britney's ass. The fact that Brand supposedly has over 2 million listeners for his BBC radio show every week just proves to me that the planet is populated by morons with no taste. Come to think of it, last night's show proves it, too. I'd rather see Dane Cook host, and trust me, that's saying a lot because I heretofore thought Dane Cook was the worst comedian on Earth. I was wrong.
And Russell...what is with the freaking hair? I've seen homeless people with better style and fashion sense. Cut that's rat's nest. It's not cool, it's not even funny. It's just hideous. But hey, maybe that's the look you're going for.
Britney Spears. Sure, she's trailer trash and I think she's borderline psychotic and should never gain custody of her children. Yes, she hasn't had a good song out in years, but even I must admit she looked great last night. No, she wasn't funny in her much-touted opening skit with Jonah Hill (he WAS funny, though). But she's in great shape and if I have any reason to like her, it's because she kept her acceptance speeches to under 15 seconds a piece.
Demi Moore. Still hot, still gorgeous, but will someone please tell her that she's 45 and not 25? I mean, you'd think her stylist would break the news to her. Just because you're married to a 17-year-old (or however old Ashton Kutcher is) doesn't mean you should DRESS like one. Please, Demi, for the love of God, start dressing your age. I thought you were classier than that. Well, you ARE married to Ashton Kutcher. Never mind. I guess you dressed appropriately.
How come the Best Male video category read like the BET Awards? And how come all the songs sucked? Yeah, not a fan of (c)rap or hip hop. Shoot me. I like songs with melodies, you know? If there's any upside to watching the VMA's it's that I didn't see them in person, so I could mute all the shit songs. Li'l Wayne's "Lollipop." That's music? Is he some kind of brilliant lyricist, because clearly the subtle symbolism is way above MY head.
Speaking of musical performances, was there a shortage of musical artists there last night? Because having Rihanna sing twice in 20 minutes was just ridiculous. Yes, she's hot. Yes, she can sing, but what the hell? She's not THAT good. Also not good? Katy Perry. Love Katy's album but be sure to skip her live act if last night was any indication of her show. Can't sing.
And there was so much lipsyncing going on last night that at times I thought I was watching a Japanese Godzilla movie. And it wasn't even GOOD lipsyncing! I'm sorry, lipsyncing is totally uncalled for at a music awards show. Show me what you've REALLY got in those "winning" voices of yours. Or are you that bad live? Never mind, I know the answer. I keep answering my own questions.
Christina Aguilera. I saw nothing last night to make me think she's NOT a transvestite. She looked awful and the song she sang was no great shakes, either. If that song is the only thing new about her pending greatest hits album coming this fall, save your money. Guess she's moving back to her "Dirty" phase, which didn't work the first time out. It's a shame because I know she's capable of being attractive but she had on enough black around her eyes last night to make racoons look like they're wearing light eyeliner. Yuck.
Speaking of eyeliner, the lead singer of that Tokio Hotel group - whose song also sucked - looks like Bjork, doesn't she? I mean...he. Didn't even wear a swan dress.
How did Britney Spears win for best video against Panic At The Disco? I get that MTV wanted to award her SOMETHING after all her years missing out on a moonman trophy, but really? I can't even recall the name of Brit's song, but it was trash compared to PATD.
Who knew Kadeem Hardison (remember Dwayne Wayne?) was singing now? He rocked it with Kid Rock. And Kid Rock. Ugh, I hate looking at that dude. He just screams White Trash and "Try a Bath!", but he did rock it last night. In fact, it was perhaps the only song worth listening to last night, and he wasn't lipsyncing, either. Yeah, he really stood out. Love the cup of booze with the little napkin wraparound, by the way. And the wifebeater. Classy, thy name is Kid Rock.
Kanye West. Sucked. His new song blew. He was clearly lipsyncing and his voice sounded so overprocessed that I wonder just how much his voice was actually used on the track. Course, I could say the same for Christina Aguilera.
I can't believe I watched the entire freaking show. I love this job, believe me, but I dearly wish I had those 2-1/2 hours of my life back. Terrible production all the way around. Absolutely nothing worth seeing, truly. If you have this disaster on Tivo, do yourself a favor and delete it fast. It might infect your other quality shows. Like that "Jerry Springer" marathon.
To sum the whole thing up, the only real winners last night were those of you that missed the show.
Photos: AP, People, Time, WENN
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