The last few days in the world of Internet gossip have been pretty crazy. Sure, there are always crazy stories rolling around – Miley Cyrus pregnant? Who could get past Billy Ray and his shot-gun to knock her up? – but this week’s stories took the cake. Travis Barker dead! Travis Barker resurrected! Travis Barker zombie seen shopping in Los Angeles!
(Take those stories together with those concerning Paris Hilton’s plans to host AA meetings for drunkard elephants and Brangelina’s plans to buy Ethiopa and you pretty much had a perfect storm of extreme gossip.)
Which got me thinking: what else might we have seen in the headlines this week, if the denizens of MySpace ran Associated Press?
1) Clay Aiken Marries Jake Gyllenhaal In Secret Ceremony (Reese Witherspoon Is Flower Girl!).
2) Britney Spears Drives Car Into Crowd Of Writer’s Guild Strikers With Kids In Back Seat: Asks Tina Fey To Get Her A Frappuccino
3) Heidi Klum Has Back Fat!
4) FDA Says That A Pack A Day Is Good For Baby: Nicole Richie Rejoices!
5) Angelina Jolie: “I’m Really A Man (But Brad Still Loves My Ass!)”
6) Tom Cruise Wants Another Baby: Plans to Impregnate Self And Carry To Term (Katie Smiles And Nods!)
You think I make this shit up? At least one of these stories is confirmably true. And we still don’t know if Travis is dead or alive, so I advise suspension of disbelief on all fronts until further notice.