Diaper Bandit

Going to the zoo

2008-02-28T08:26:00Z

We took Elsie to the Zoo the other day and it was very fun to watch her watch the animals move about. Here she is watching some fish. It seems to me that this is why we enjoy being parents, because we get to take pleasure in the silly things, like fish swimming by.

Back for more, in more ways than one...

2008-02-19T01:11:00Z

All of us here at Diaper Bandit would like to apologize for the long lapse in entries to this blog. See, I was away for a month and have been pretty busy so the blog sort of fell by the wayside. Elsie is doing very well though, for anyone interested. She's walking about like a little trooper and sleeps through most nights, if by "most" you mean "more than half". Here's a picture of Elsie seeing me at the airport after my absence. She's trying to figure out just who this guy holding her is:

The big news here at The Diaper Bandit is that Maggie's pregnant with number two! Yes, we could hardly believe it ourselves, after all that trouble getting pregnant the first time, number two just slipped right in there. We didn't even know until the first trimester was nearly over. Maggie's starting to show now and she just pulled out her old maternity jeans so I suppose it's time to make room for Elsie's little sister. Yes, it's a girl, due in July. Oh boy. Even Elsie has begun to give us a hand with the preparations. Here she is sweeping the floor:

That's the good news, but the bad news (or maybe it's good too, depending on how you look at it) is that Diaper Bandit won't be appearing here anymore after this month. I'm just not able to keep up with the regular posting and you Babble readers deserve better! It's been a lot of fun, and I'll post a few more updates this month, but then it's over, really! At least until number two comes along...

Is it time for the first haircut?

2008-01-30T08:22:00Z

I've been away, so it wasn't until I saw this picture that I realized we might need to take action. Or maybe we're nearing the tipping point, when Elsie's bangs have grown long enough to be put back into some kind of ponytail. Right now we usually put it into a little topknot, which is pretty cute, but it often comes out and leaves her looking like this.

Elsie loves this tunnel. She and her cousin like to get in there and pull at eachother's hair.

Holding the bottle

2008-01-24T07:35:00Z

Though we'd noticed most babies Elsie's age were now holding their own bottles, Elsie had been very content to let us do it for her. It was fairly enjoyable for us to do this so we didn't mind. We also figured that since we'd chosen to use glass bottles it might be just as well if she didn't toss them on the ground. But now finally she's taken to holding her own. And we are happy about that too. Maggie figured this out when she fell alseep holding a bottle for Elsie and Elsie grabbed it herself and started drinking. The little trickster!

Every morning Elsie goes through the drawers as Maggie gets ready for work. Neverending fun!

In Praise of Sleep

2008-01-21T05:23:00Z

I've learned a few things about sleep since becoming a father, and I knew quite a bit about it before. I've learned how to watch for those heavy eyelids and the joy that comes with seeing them finally shut peacefully. Because then I can sleep as well. But sometimes it's just nice to hold a sleeping baby. This picture, one of our favorites, was taken by my mom's partner Jane O'Wyatt at xmas dinner.

I've been away from Elsie and Maggie for a week now and we've got two more to go. I think I might get choked up when I finally do see little Elsie. She'll probably look a little different and wonder who I am. Oh hopefully she'll smile and remember me.

Anyway, I'm at a loss for words in for this babble blog right now since all I can really say is I miss my daughter. But I suppose I don't miss her so much between the hours of six and eight am, when I can still catch a little uninterupted sleep.

A Baby's First Steps...

2008-01-16T12:58:00Z

Well, just as I was preparing to leave for my trip, Elsie began to take her first unassisted steps. She's been doing it all week, a step here and a step there. A friend noted that she only walks until she realizes that what she's doing, at which point she gets down and crawls. Right before I left for my red-eye flight east I decided to grab to camera and try to document this stage. And Elsie obliged with a brief saunter across the floor. So here you go, a few shakey first steps:

Switching to the cow....

2008-01-11T06:39:00Z

Sources tell us that since Elsie is a year old she can now drink regular cow's milk. Does this mean The Great Formula Debate is over? Maybe so, though it was fun while it lasted. I ran into a woman at a party this evening who told me she actually reads "Diaper Bandit" and she was worried that after the heated debate over our formula use that I'd been scared away from posting anything at all. Not so! Diaper Bandit is not afraid! We were just not near any good internet access over the holidays, that's all. We didn't even have cars where we went, just horses and sleighs.

While we were off in those hinterlands, we decided to take Elsie over to a friend's farm so she could meet the makers of her future milk.

She enjoyed the animals very much, including this giant pig whom she might someday eat as well. I'm a pretty big fan of bacon, but I have to admit it's hard to picture killing a nice old pig. They really do seem like they have complex emotions even though they sleep in mud. Charlotte's Web!

Elsie has begun to take her first tentative steps now, which is exciting. But I'm about to be gone for a month long work trip so I'll be pretty sad to miss out on the all latest developments. I imagine when I return she'll be running around like Carl Lewis. I don't know how soldiers who go off on a tour for a year or more do it. I wouldn't want to miss more than a month, and even that seems long. Back when I was in jail I couldn't stand being away for even 48 hours. Imagine if you were in prison for 10 years! The depression those guys feel must be crushing. But then I guess they should have thought of that before jacking that car from the old lady.

Well, that's the news from Portland, Oregon, where it's very rainy, but also very nice, and all the milk is local and organic, even if it doesn't come from a woman's breast.

We Made it Through Year One

2008-01-08T06:17:00Z

Elsie was born on New Year's Eve, so depending on how you look at it, she's either getting a great deal on her birthday parties, on she's getting the shaft. This year she fell asleep before the cake came out, but we gave her a little bit in the morning, and she didn't seem to mind.

From this:

To this:

All in one short year...

The Holidays were a time of travel in the Diaper Bandit family. First Maggie and Elsie flew east to meet me in NYC on the red-eye. I picked them up at the airport after their flight was delayed two and a half hours. The flight was full so Elsie spent the night flopping about on poor Maggie's lap.

"Next time we're buying Elsie her own ticket," said Maggie, a little cranky after puling that all nighter. Would you pay an extra $300 to assure your baby got her own seat? Maybe over the holidays it's not such a bad idea. Elsie seemed dazed upon arrival but she snapped to it in short order.

From NYC we traveled first to New Jersey, then Washington DC, and then after xmas Maggie had to go back to Portland for work, so my sister and I packed our kids in the car and prepared for a long haul north to see Grandpa in Vermont. We decided that this trip would be done best at night so that our two kids, Elsie and her cousin Thomas, could sleep the whole way.

So we left at 8pm and three hours later, when I pulled over for coffee, Laura said, "Don't stop the car. Thomas will wake up."

"But I need coffee," I said.

"Drive slowly," she said, "and then jump out of the car. I'll grab the wheel and circle the lot."

We seriously considered this stuntman tactic as I circled around, but then Thomas woke up during our discussion, so I just stopped the car and got out. Two hours later, in upstate New York, Elsie peed through her diaper and I had to change her in a cold rest area bathroom under flickering lights. Laura was outside keeping the car in motion lest Thomas reawaken from his slumber. After a few more such pit stops we arrived at Grandpa's at 3AM.

Up in Vermont there was lot of glorious snow and my sister and I got to watch our little offspring shiver together as they built a snowman.

On New Year's Eve Elsie put on a pretty dress, but the longs days had been so exciting that she finally conked out in the middle of her own party, as mentioned earlier. It was an exhausting time, that Holiday rush, but it was very rewarding. We're all home now safe and sound. Oh truly, is there any hardship too great to brave in order to see your children happy in the arms of their grandparents? I'd say no, there really isn't. Now that I've had a little time to rest.

Apologies for the gap in postings. No internet access "on the road"...

Formula Vs. the Almighty Breast

2007-12-20T06:56:00Z

Little does a typical father know about the raging debate amongst our motherly counterparts. Not until recently when our favorite baby formula got pulled from the shelves did I understand how serious the breast vs. formula discussion has become. When I mentioned in the last entry that we used formula some responded that they were surprised we'd made this choice. And then my wife admitted she felt guilt about it. And then someone lept to her defense, and then another mom told a moving story about how her baby couldn't swallow so well so they were forced to use formula but she was ashamed and then a college classmate whom I hadn't heard from in years, or actually ever, wrote in to put in her two cents, and now she's a famous writer! So this debate must mean something.

I think Maggie and I might represent your typical organic leaning earthhippy parents. Or at least we know where those desires come from. We use cloth diapers, avoid plastics, no tv, pestide free, etc. And we were happy when it was possible for Elsie to breastfeed (I heard on "Lovline" (awesome radio show) that nearly 50% of mothers can't do it, true?). But we were also pretty happy when Elsie began taking to the bottle. Then Maggie wasn't so teathered to the baby and when Elsie started taking formula a new sense of freedom entered our home. We'd heard that Elsie might get sick when she stopped breastfeeding, but she's been okay. Maggie just kind of tapered off the pumping and eventually the breast became less appealing to Elsie. And more appealig to me! Anyway, it seemed a pretty natural process. Hippy that I am, I still think breastfeeding past the point when the kid begins to walk and talk isn't necessary. It even seems a little weird to me, if you want to know the truth. Us dad's want those boobs back at some point. They were only out on loan, remember that kiddos.

Anyway, I think there should be no shame in formula using. Here's a link to very informative article by Organic Pregancy celebrity Dierdre Dolan about the various formula's available on the market. She breaks it all down for us. And she points out another good reason many moms stop breastfeeding: they get pregnant! Watch out, it could happen to you too, if you're not careful. Happy Holidays from the Diaper Bandits!

Did They Recall Earth's Best Formula?

2007-12-12T19:09:00Z

I may be late on a discussion which has already taken place somewhere on Babble, but only recently did we learn that our mainstay milk formula, good old "Earth's Best" dairy based organic has been pulled from the shelves. Little Elsie loves this stuff and about a month ago I went and bought six big cans of it. Then, this month I started noticing that it was nowhere to be found.

Panic began to set in as our supply dwindled and then Maggie went online and found this article about what's going on. Earth's Best says there's "no recall", they just pulled the formula off the shelves becuase of a "fishy" smell. By "fishy" they really do mean "fishy" because we had noticed this as well. The stuff smells a little like fish. But it still seemed like the best option for those of us formula users who didn't want our babies sucking on the corporate bohemeth "Similac". Sorry, I just don't trust that stuff. But now I don't know about Earth's Best either. The company website doesn't really address the issue so we've been forced to find another option, something called "Baby's Only" which seems to work just fine, but man was this some huge drama for our household. I'm still recovering from it.

Sorry I Dropped Your Baby

2007-12-07T05:55:00Z

Our friends Rich and Caitlin had to be out of town unexpectedly so they left their 11 month old daughter with us for the weekend. We felt quite honored that they would trust us with such an important item. Elsie and Augusta (their daughter's name) are only two weeks apart in age so it was sort of like having twins for a little while. We had them sleep in separate rooms and when one woke up we'd pray she didn't wake the other. Once they were clothed and fed it was amusing to watch them play together. Their favorite toy for the weekend was this large cardboard box.

They also enjoyed pushing the plastic recycling bin around. Why is it that young kids get so much more pleasure from objects which are not actually designed to be toys? Should we even buy toys? I was pondering this question when Elsie reached out and scratched Augusta in the face. Augusta began to cry and I picked her up to comfort her. There was going to be a mark, evidence of our neglect. I walked over to the sink to wash it off and nearly tripped over an actual toy, a little wooden frog. I played the fall out in my mind and imagined myself twisting valiantly to cushion Augusta's blow. Or maybe I would have just dropped her on the floor. What if I had? Would I tell Rich and Caitlin? What's the proper etiquette there? Say you drop your friend's baby, but everything is fine. Should you tell them what happened? Well, probably you should, but really, do you have to? Someone should contact The Ethicist about this one.

As you might have heard, we've had some stormy weather out here in the Northwest so the streets turned to rivers and people had to kayak to work. Exciting as this was, we became worried that Augusta's parents might not make it home. What if they got stuck back on the east coast? How long could we care for this child? It was high drama over here, let me tell you. Caitlin's flight was cancelled, but she found another one and made it back to good old PDX at one AM. She came for Augusta in the morning just in time to change her morning diaper and it was quite touching to see the mother/daughter reunion.

"Looks like someone scratched you," Caitlin said to her daughter.

"It wasn't me," I said.

So we survied that parental test. I'm no Jane Roper, but still, my skills are honed. And if you leave your kid with us sometime I promise there will be no dropping. Or if there is I'll tell you.

Hippies Unite!

2007-12-02T22:02:00Z

This one goes out to all you placenta eating hippies out there! Here in Oregon we've got plenty of them, and they're procreating rapidly too. Maggie and her sister Ella took a mothers/daughters trip out to the famous hippie hang-out Bagby Hot Springs the other day and here's some fascinating photos.

The weather was not looking promising in the morning as much snow was forecasted to fall across Oregon, but the sisters braved it anyway and had a gay old time. Bagby Hot Springs is the site featured in the fine film "Old Joy" which I recommend to those of you into indie type productions and the great singer Will Oldham.

Many of the best photos were censored by the powers that be, but as you can see, like all good hippie institutions, Bagby Hot Springs is clothing optional and there's no authority figure present to harsh your mellow buzz. You just hike a mile through the woods and fill up your killer hot tub carved from a fallen old growth tree. The babies, Elsie and Ida, reportedly enjoyed the hot bath very much, though the temperature of the water was kept more lukewarm for their sensitve skin. I was concerned that this would be a bummer due to the cold temperatures outside but all was well, sayeth the ladies.

They had the place all to themselves, which enhanced the crunchy vibes thoroughly, but then some other kind hippiefolk showed up and began slapping their goatskin drums to the rhythms of the earth mothership, so the sisters decided to leave, well satisfied of course. So, all you hippies out there go out and find some kind natural springs and dunk your kids in them! It's good clean fun!

New Parents are Blind

2007-11-30T07:00:00Z

We were looking over some old pictures of Elsie and I realized just how true that old saying is, "A face only a mother could love..." It's not that Elsie wasn't lovable and cute in her early days, but it's really true that we parents are blind in our belief that our new little offspring is perfect. Yes, they are perfect to us, but why can't we see that not everyone else is going to share our feelings? Let's face it, most babies look pretty strange during that first month, but fortunately nature has provided us with some kind of filtered vision when our own children are concerned. We're blissfully ignorant!

For instance, here's a picture I liked to show around when Elsie was about 1 month old. Her head looks tiny and strange! And on top of that I look like a doofus with that silly bow tie. Blind!

Exhibit B:

That was Elsie, 4 months old. That might not have been a very flattering angle, but anyway, you get my point.

But now, oh now, she's a cute lil' girl. I'm not blind anymore, that's for sure. Here she is playing with her new favorite toy, a cooking pot. She can bang that thing around for hours.

harmony between dog and baby

2007-11-28T07:10:00Z

Continuing on with the endlessly interesting subject of dog's vs.babies here's a fine video of a dog and a baby singing a duet. Thanks DD for passing this on. I think dogs and babies get along best when the dog comes into the household after the baby, but that's not so easy to arrange. Anyway, these two seem to make a fine pair:

Dogs Vs. Babies

2007-11-21T19:34:00Z

Who would win in the battle of Dog's Vs. Babies? Certainly the dogs have greater strength and agility, and in many cases they are wiser as well, but sadly for the canines, the babies have a key ally, the parents, and thus they will always prevail. As any parental dog owner can attest, the introduction of a baby into a household can be pretty traumatic for a well loved hound. Shortly before Elsie's birth, our dog, Vidamae, ran off while staying at my cousin's place in outer Brooklyn. She wandered the streets for two days before being picked up by a benovolent high school student. We thought this behavior on Vidamae's part was odd, but a pet-psychic friend of our claimed to have the explanation:

"Vidamae told me she is very nervous about the baby coming," she said. "She's afraid you are going to give her away."

Was it even possible that Vidamae knew Maggie was pregnant? In the weeks after she ran off I did notice a nervous shift in her behavior. She never wanted to be alone. Once Elsie arrived we were very careful to make Vidamae feel included, and I think she appreciated that, but still, she knew there was competition on the scene.

As Elsie gets older and more mobile this dynamic becomes more of an issue. Poor old Vidamae tries to rest on her favorite dog bed and suddenly she is pounced upon by a grubby baby tugging at her ears. We try to keep them apart, but Elsie is fascinated by her furry friend, and for the most part Vidamae has tolerated this, especially when there's bits of food to be gained. I worry though, that the old hound will lose her patience one day, and quite literally snap.

When I was a child my father's faithful hunting dog, Snopes, bit me in the face. I know my dad loved this dog, but with that incident old Snopes had to go. He was given to a fishing guide in Northern Maine and reportedly had a very happy life without us, but still it must have been a hard separation. Later on my dad admitted that they might have kept Snopes if the only danger had been to my sister and I, but Snopes had begun growling at our little playmate friends who came over as well and our parents couldn't risk that.

I recently went over to visit my friend Roger and when I noticed that his dog Harriet looked especially nervous he said, "Oh yeah, Harriet's been afraid of me for two days because I smacked her when she growled at the baby." This was surprising to hear - not that she was afraid, but that Roger had smacked her in the first place. Prior to the baby that dog Harriet had been one of the most pampered pets on the planet. Their refrigerator was covered with pictures of her in silly costumes. Now it's all baby pictures up there and Harriet's thrice daily walks are often delayed by stroller preparation and last minute feedings. It's tough when us parents must make a choice between our four legged best friends and our little progenies. As Vidamae gets older (she's 13) and Elsie gets grabbier, we're going to have to be vigilant. We'd never give up the hound at this point, but they'll likely be some kind of reckoning in our future.

Things I Swore I wouldn't Do Which I've Now Done Many Times

2007-11-16T19:35:00Z

1. Tell stories about my baby's bowel movements at social gatherings

2. Wear a baby bjorn in public

3. Clog my friends' inboxes with unsolicited pictures of my child

4. Talk like a wittle baby to my baby

5. Write a "parental blog"

6. Snort crystal methamphetamine off of Britney Spears' belly.

I believe that as I made each of those bold proclamations about my future parenthood, I also knew I might not keep them. It's not so much that I lost my priciples once the baby arrived, it's just that I realized they weren't such important priciples to hold. I do have huge respect for parents who buck the trends though, those who travel light and far from home with their children, those who eschew the masses of plastic toys, and those who work hard at maintaining friendships with non breeding single folk. And that's what I think I was getting at when I swore I wouldn't do certain things. That and trying to appear cool.

Recently some friends of our who are in a band parked their tourbus in front of our house. They were in the middle of a cross country tour, rocking out in clubs across the land. Part of me envied that rootless life, but another part was glad I wasn't sleeping on a bus the next night.

Before the show we were all eating dinner in a restaurant and some teenagers came up to tell Chad, the singer, how much they liked his music. Someone said, "Quick, hide the baby." But then his Chad's girlfriend Sybil proclaimed that rock bands with kids are cool, which they are. And bands who tour with their kids are especially awesome. I'm sure it's hard to do, but it gives the rest of us inspiration, and I bet those kids have a blast as well. Rock on!

Are Dads More Dangerous?

2007-11-12T20:35:00Z

So I arrived home from my trip at midnight and hugged little Elsie after she woke up and cried just for me. It was hard to tell if she recognized me after my absence since she was pretty sleepy. She was happy to see me this morning though, and especially happy to see my half-unpacked suitcase lying on the floor. As I took a shower she rummaged through it and when I got out Maggie was standing there with a very cross expression on her face.

"You left a razor blade in your suitcase and Elsie cut herself on it," she said.

"Oops," I said.

I had actually removed the bathroom stuff from my suitcase but apparently one of the little triple-bladed heads had fallen off and nestled in with the clothing where Elsie's deft fingers had grabbed ahold. She'd sliced the tip of her thumb, not very seriously, but it was bleeding everywhere and Elsie refused to hold still. Eventually I got a band aid to stick on her tiny little thumb and stopped the flow.

It was hard to convince Maggie that I hadn't left the blade there on purpose. Or, well, that at least it wasn't gross negligence. It's difficult to reason with the mother of a bleeding child. Later on Maggie wrote me an email saying, "I think a good topic for babble would be whether dads are more dangerous for their babies for evolutionary reasons. I think this is true." She has some kind of theory, which I bet many mom's would corroborate, that fathers lack cautionary judgement as part of an evolutionary scheme. I'm not sure I can explain it fully, but you perhaps you get the drift. I would definitely have to admit that I'm less cautious, and as I think over most of the parental teams I know this dynamic seems to hold true across the board, but is this really God's Plan? Like, would us dad's be tossing our kids out of trees to weed out the weak ones if mom wasn't around?

Anyhoo, here's a link to a funny audio clip sent to me by my sister Laura. Her husband David Kirkpatrick writes for the NY Times and was interviewed live on NPR last week. Unfortunately he was also on solo parental duty at home at the same time and their son Thomas was not having any of it. The interviewers are very good natured about the background noise and poor Dave just keeps going, "I'm so sorry." They have to end the interview early because of the ruckus in the background. I can't edit it so skip around for the good parts. I imagine many of us "dangerous dad's" can relate. I'd have beaten that kid silly as soon as I hung up the phone. Just kidding!

This is Thomas:

I'm a Deadbeat Dad

2007-11-09T17:33:00Z

I've been away from home for a while now and it is indeed nice to be diaper free at times, sleeping through the night etc. Ah yes, maybe if I never return...

But I wouldn't do that! In fact, as any parent can attest, you quickly begin to miss the little one. I don't know how the dead beat dads do it. I actually thought up that blog title because I recently discovered the feature on these blogs where the writer can see how people come to visit his or her particular post. By this I mean I can see what sort of google or yahoo search terms are being used to lead readers to a particular posting. I was particularly curious about this because I noticed that certain post title were drawing un unusually higher numbers. For instance the title "Is Your Baby Gay?" led to spike in visits and upon examination I saw that the most common google search which led people there was "gay diaper"...I'm afraid those people didn't get what they were looking for. Another popular post was titled "Can you drink breast milk?" In this case I think most people were actually looking for what they found, but the post titled "Naked Babies!" (#3 most poplular) may also have been a dissapointment to some searchers.

Anyway, I'm in NYC now for work while Elsie and her mom stay at home and try to get through life without me. Apparently things are going well and not to sound gushy but I really do look forward to the moment when I can hold little Elsie in my arms again. And Maggie too! I've posted some picture of Elsie and cousin Ida in their halloween get-ups, in case you were wondering why they were dressed as bees. Ida was a little grumpy about her costume since she couldn't strech out her legs. We went trick or treating but didn't let the girls eat any candy. I wonder if we could keep up that tradition?

"A Little Tooth"

2007-10-31T20:48:00Z

If you live in NYC you might have seen this poem posted in the subway as part of a great program they have called "Poetry in Motion", but if you don't here it is, because I think it's good. My mom sent it our way recently with the appearance of Elsie's teeth. I like the line, "She'll fall in love with cretins..." So true!

“A Little Tooth” by Thomas Lux

Your baby grows a tooth then two,
And four, and five, then she wants some meat
Directly from the bone. It’s all
over: she’ll learn some words, she’ll fall
In love with cretins, dolts, a sweet
Talker on his way to jail. And you,

Your wife, get old, flyblown and rue
Nothing. You did, you love, your feet
Are sore. It’s dusk. Your daughter’s tall.

As I read that poem over it seems a little sad, but it's also a happy poem in a way - bittersweet! Will I really be saying "they grow up so fast..." in 20 years?

Here's a funny picture sent to me by my twin sister Laura with her son twaord the end of the night on Halloween, after their bunny ears began to droop. She writes "Note that it is hard to find a masculine bunny costume. Note also that it is tiring to take toddlers anywhere."

So true!

Child of Satan

2007-10-30T07:12:00Z

We recently learned that our daughter is the spawn of Satan, just like Rosemary's Baby. Our friend the minister suggested an exorcism but as far as I can tell this process is unproven. Elsie got into some pumpkin carving action over the weekend and for some reason her mom wouldn't let me show her how to properly wield a knife. Here's some pictures of that:

A few nights ago we had a "date night" in which Maggie and I left Elsie with a sitter and went out for dinner and a movie. Excitement! We saw "Michael Clayton" which was actually a very good movie. Recommended! Was it worth the extra 12 bucks an hour not to wait until the dvd came out? I'm not sure yet about that. My friend Rich recently commented that he hadn't seen a film in a theater since his nine month old daughter was born. Movies in the theaters are one of my fovaroite activities so we've tried to get away for that as often as we can, especially when we can impose upon relatives to look after Satan Girl for free. Here's the list of films we've seen since Elsie's birth in Decemeber: Children of Men, Zodiac, Pirates of the Caribbean Part 3, Sicko, Knocked Up, Superbad, and Michael Clayton. The best was Superbad and the worst was Pirates of the Caribbean. They should have paid us to sit through that one. Children of Men was a good film too, and you can rent that now. So watch it, and then try to populate the earth if you still can.

I'm kidding about the Satan thing! She's an Angel! Sometimes! Happy Halloween!

Elsie Eats Dirt and Ida is not Wearing a Wig

2007-10-25T19:33:00Z

We took Elsie and cousin Ida on the longest hike of their lives the other day, to to Angels Rest in the Colombia River Gorge. It was gorge-ess! We saw two snakes on the way and I tried to catch one of them, thinking that it would make an interesting show and tell for the girls, but then I couldn't remember whether Oregon has poisonous snakes or not. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea. Later I caught a dragonfly and Elsie was pretty delighted with that.

I put Elsie down on the ground at one point and she grabbed a little fistful of dirt and stuck it in her mouth. I've heard that dirt is actually good for you, in small amounts. Not sure if this was the case with Elsie. The above picture was takn shotly before this event. Also pictured is cousin Ida's prodigous head of hair. Several folks here have commented on it and in fact whenever I've been with her in public at least one stranger has made a remark along the lines of "is that hair real?" or "is that a baby or a doll?". This latter question is particularly perplexing because why would a grown person take the trouble to carry around a lifelike doll, especailly up the side of a mountain? She's real! Here is proof as you can see her hair blowing the famous Hood River winds. Could a toupee survive that?

Speaking of fibers which grow on mamals, my friend and talented artist Whitney Van Nes has an interesting new blog/column going on this website called purlbee.com. She works at this high end knitting store in SoHo as a day job and here she writes about a fascinating trip to a sheep wool festival. Even if you aren't a knitter, check out those crazy sheep!

Friday Father's Days

2007-10-21T23:22:00Z

Since brother-in-law Pete and I are supposedly "creative types" who live by no clock, and since we are married to brilliant sisters who have a lot of professional demands on their time, us dads spend Fridays with our daughters. This is a new thing in our lives so we're still getting used to it. So far the schedule has been that we keep separately to ourselves in the mornings during which I play around with Elsie and try, usually in vain, to get writing done during her nap. Lunchtime is when the action happens. We get the cousins together for an exciting lunch out on the town. We figure we've somehow earned this luxury and Portland is full of fine establishments willing to put up with the calamity of two rookie fathers taking their infant daughters out for a meal. This Friday we went to Pok Pok and, in what may have now become a tradition, each ordered a beer to celebrate another week completed in our lives.

The girls were well behaved for the most part, though some silverware and a plate did hit the floor. Pete even stealthily changed Ida's diaper while sitting there. In the past we've hit the park for a little dogwalking and swingset action after lunch but it was raining on this day so we just went home. Apparently it rains a lot in Portland. So now it's Sunday and Maggie and her sister have the cousins out walking around the neighborhood. I called over to their house to see if they were there, but Pete answered and he was alone, writing something great I bet, which is what I should have been doing!

Are Babies Bad for the Environment?

2007-10-15T16:18:00Z

I recently read that today, October 15th, is a day in which bloggers everywhere are going to unite to change the world. So count Diaper Bandit in! The idea, as I understand it, is that everyone who writes a blog is supposed to write today about something to do with the environment. And then everyone all over the world will read these millions of blog posts and think a little more about the environment and then we'll change the world!

The first thing Diaper Bandit did along these lines was post these cute pictures of Elsie outside, enjoying nature. Here in lovely Portland Oregon we have a lot of big tall trees and greenspaces in which to enjoy them. It's even sunny sometimes. As a parent I do think it is important to get our kids outside. It's good for us too! Here in Portland we have a lot of especially crunchy people. By this I refer to the high percentage of hippies. Hippies love the environment! Here is Elsie sitting with some hippies we met in the Park. These guys are serious hippies. They even have guitars:

I don't personally have anything profound to add to the great environmental debate. Well, except this. I keep hearing about how we can buy certain products which are "green" and that if everyone bought "green" things we'd all be better off. While this may be somewhat true, I also think that if everyone bought just a little less of everything we'd be better off. Or buy something which is used and thereby save the toll of manufacturing another one. Like instead of buying a new Prius, just buy a used car and tell Toyota to give their manufacturing plant a rest. Instead of building a brand new "green" house, just buy an old one which has already been built. I'm sure there are holes in this logic, but you get my drift. But you know, now that I think about it, most of the ideas we have to "save the environment" are probably a wash anyway. For instance this whole idea to blog about the environment. If we all just turned off our computers, like right now, and stopped blogging and reading blogs, that would probably have a a more profound effect than this International blog day. Or maybe not. How about we just all go outside and take a walk? Naked! That would make a difference, a big one.

This final picture is of Elsie beneath a big tree. That tree is a lot older than her, but the reason I like this picture is that she is wearing a skirt and this was the first time she ever wore a real skirt. I believe that skirts are good for the environment.

Is Your Baby Gay?

2007-10-12T09:18:00Z

When my mother first told us all that she was in a relationship with another woman, my sister and I were in college and being gay was quite popular, so we just felt this made us a little cooler. Our father, long since remarried, claimed he knew there was something funny going on all along. It was our grandmother, predictably, was had the most trouble adjusting to the news. She kept saying over and over how it was us, the children, whom she was worried about.

Everyone knows now that gay people make great parents, and the old objections about the kids getting teased and lacking this or that are probably fading away now that so many well adjusted kids with gay parents are moving along towards adulthood. I was thinking about this the other day because over the weekend we had two friends from Holland visit us and they are gay. Not everyone in Holland is gay, but these friends Todd and Sonder, are. Here they are holding cousins Elsie and Ida. We told them they could take the girls back to Amsterdam with them, but they declined.

On Saturday evening we sat around drinking liquor and discussing gay parents and gay babies and how I have a high percentage of gay people in my family so maybe there's such thing as a hereditary gay gene. That's what got me to thinking about Elsie being gay, by the way. Who knows? Anyway, the next morning I had this slight headache for some reason and who should greet me at 6:30AM but Elsie smiling in her mother's arms, clanging two pots together. Maggie lay our daughter and her pots in bed with me as she got ready to take a shower.

"Why did you give her two pots to play with?" I asked my wife.

"It was either them or the fire poker," she said.

It's true, Elsie loves that fire poker. I wrenched one of the pots from her little fingers and tossed it on the floor, probably waking up our dutch guests who were sleeping downstairs. Elsie can crawl now so my mornings of lying about while she played on the bed next to me are over. We parents need to form some kind of union or something. End the tyranny! I knew exactly what fellow Babble blogger Rebecca Woolf was talking about on this post. Our kids should have to sign some kind of sleep hours contract. I wished Elsie would go back to sleep that morning, but she wouldn't, probably because she is gay. I'm kidding! Of course! Anyway, I got out of bed and rolled around on the floor with little Elsie, like many other parents were no doubt doing on that particular Sunday, and eventually I started to feel a little better.

Organic Everything!

2007-10-05T10:31:00Z

Because Elsie is small, and because we of course want only the best for her, it seems she may only consume organic foods these days. The other day I gave her a banana which wasn't organic and I'm hoping she'll be okay. I'm a big believer in this whole organic thing, but I do sometimes wonder if it hasn't all been taken a little too far. Are we as parents being taken advantage of sometimes? When we were kids was there even such a thing as an organic label? We turned out fine, I think, but perhaps our babies today face a more toxic food chain. I don't really know, but does it really matter if my macaroni and cheese is organic?

I'd like to recommend a book on this subject and it's not just because it was written by a friend, though it's true that it was. Check out The Complete Organic Pregnancy wherein they discuss many of the fascinating topics surrounding this debate. Although the title might suggest it's only relevant to pregnant people, it's not. Your quest for organicness does not end once that kid is born. It's only just begun! Besides, aren't we all actually pregnant in some way? The authors also have this handy blog where they discuss current issues and so on. Check it out!

And now, here are some pictures of our daughter Elsie wrestling, sort of. These pictures here document a knock down drag out battle between o Elsie and her longtime pal Saoirse (pronounced Sare-sha - it's Irish), whose mother is one of the authors of the above mentioned book. Elsie and Saoirse have known each other for most of their short lives but haven't really interacted much until recently. Here we see Elsie taking a keen interest in a set of organic car keys which Saoirse is holding. That's an organically pregnant friend behind them, by the way.

So Elsie moves in for the kill...

And takes her prize!

Now Saoirse sits patiently and waits for her chance to make a move, organically.

Here they are in more harmonious times:

Hopefully they'll look back on these pictures as young women and giggle. And hopefully they won't be too embarrassed about their dads.

Beware the Biters...

2007-10-01T21:02:00Z

For reasons only she can fully explain, my twin sister used to bite me quite a lot when we were children. Now she has a young son of biting age and below is an interesting email we received from her the other day. I've changed some names to protect the culprits, by the way.

"So here is something I just discovered about toddlers. It turns out that there is one kind of behavior in toddlers that is disapproved of above all others. Literally, pregnant mothers just pray that they don't get one of these. You can have a pooper, a bed-wetter, a hugger, a snotter, a hitter, a cryer, a shouter, a pusher and you're ok, but the one thing you really don't want is . . . a biter."

"There is a biter in Thomas' little cooperative playgroup. He's bit 4 kids, including Thomas. This would be enough to get him tossed from nursery school or day care. Biting is low tolerance, because (a) it really, really hurts and (b) if it breaks the skin there's a good chance of infection and no one wants the liability. This kid, who we'll call Linus, because that's his name, bit Thomas hard on the cheek on Wednesday. I tried taking a picture of Thomas' cheek to send you all, because literally you can still see tooth for tooth where this little guy chomped on. (The pic didn't come out). So now the playgroup is having a meeting on Wednesday, and making secret plans to toss the kid out. His mother knows she's in a bad spot. She's been emailing and making nice and baking brownies and doing whatever she can. Evidently it's really stressful to be the mother of a biter."

"Mom and Dad, I guess you all were the parents of a biter. Thankfully, because Mom stayed home, I never got tossed out of playgroups. Arthur, you were my only victim, as far as I know. So maybe its karma that Thomas has met up with a biter. Now I'm just praying that if we have a second kid, she or he will just be an inappropriate licker or something....xox, Laura"

Elsie only has two teeth right now, both on her lower jaw, so she's not much of a threat, but we'll be keeping an eye on this...beware the biters!

Taking the Red-Eye with the Baby

2007-09-26T22:16:00Z

I don't think the poor fellow who was assigned the seat next to us could have looked more displeased when he saw his traveling companions. I could hardly blame him. He was stuck sitting in a center seat on a packed five hour red-eye flight and there in the window seat beside him sat a hapless father and his squirming nine month old daughter - good old Elsie and I, on the road again.

For reasons too complex to detail here, we decided Elsie would accompany me on a solo trip back to NYC for five days. I was actually looking forward to having her with me once we got there, having her spend time with her loving grandparents, and strolling around the city streets with her when I had time off, but that plane ride had been a real source of dread. I'm not a big fan of the red-eye flight anyway, and why oh why do parents like me insist on bringing their kids onto these flying communal bunk rooms? Well, it's easier than driving them across the country, I do know that. And truth be told, the red-eye actually worked out pretty well. Elsie slept the whole way, which probably wouldn't have happened during a day flight. I didn't sleep much though. Despite being asleep, Elsie flopped about on my lap like a large fish. Going through security we got to test that new law about allowing breast milk through the checkpoint. I had 32 frozen onces with me which I suppose could have been a good disguise for some kind of explosive since none of the security guards seemed to want to get near the stuff. Here we are in the streets of NYC with our luggage. No more traveling light for me!

While in NY, Elsie saw her doctor and she told us Elsie was looking "a little chubby" and needed to start eating more finger food and fruit. Chubby! Elsie and got some blood drawn for a lead test as well, and this made her cry, like those shots before. They also did the TB test which upset her too, but not nearly as much as this kid:

On the way back home we had an empty seat next to us, which was far better. I got the friendly Dutch guy across the aisle to snap this shot of us in transit. She slept well on that seat and I got to watch "Spinal Tap" on the in flight TV. When we arrived home Elsie was sure happy to see her mom. So was I!

Injuring Our Children is Okay

2007-09-21T05:38:00Z

The other day I hurriedly zipped Elsie into her little jacket and heard a scream as the zipper reached the top. "Shhh," I told her. We were running late and I assumed she was just expressing resentment at having to put on another layer of clothes. Elsie calmed down but when we reached our destination and I removed the jacket I saw that I'd actually pinched the skin on her chest pretty badly with the zipper. It was bleeding! Boy did I feel like a dumbass. Proof of injury below:

But really, what parent doesn't injure his or her child at some point? Of course it's accidental but we still feel badly about it. My friend Dave Mason recently left his daughter on the sofa, turned around for just a second and then heard a frightening thud. The baby had rolled off and hit the floor. "I think she's okay though," reports Dave. When, I wonder, will Elsie take her first big tumble due to my negligence? I recently checked her skull and noticed that that freaky soft spot has closed up, so hopefully she can withstand whatever comes her way.

Seriously, how many parents have tossed or lifted their kids high into the air only to discover a ceiling fan whirling above? It probably happens every year. Maybe every week. There was a touching episode of the great radio show "This American Life" a few weeks ago where they talked about a study performed on baby monkeys where the babies always forgave their abusive fake monkey mothers, even when they did crazy things like shocked or hit them. I can't explain it very well, but you can listen to the episode here, which I recommend highly.

In conclusion, I'm not saying that injuring one's children is okay...oh wait I did say that in the title, but what I meant is these things happen and we shouldn't beat ourselves up over them when they do. Especially when your cutting fingernails or zipping up jackets. It's hard to avoid! But ceiling fans and electrocution should be avoidable, for the most part.

Can You Drink Breast Milk?

2007-09-17T12:17:00Z

This morning, after pouring myself a cup of coffee, I discovered there was no milk in the refrigerator. Or rather, there was no cow's milk in the refrigerator. Maggie had pumped a bottle full of breast milk the night before and there it sat on the shelf. I don't particularly enjoy black coffee, so I thought, "Why not try this milk in my coffee instead?"

I poured a little in my cup and watched it swirl about. It looked like regular milk, though perhaps a little thinner. I took a sip. I couldn't tell much - the coffee still tasted black. So I poured a little more in there and took another sip. I could taste it now and my throat caught a little once I did. It was a bit like someone had watered down my coffee and added something vaguely sweet to the mix. Perhaps I was just too aware of what I was drinking, but I couldn't finish the cup. I know many husbands taste their wife's breast milk, but I've never really been tempted to do so. That stuff is for the baby, I say. And I won't be putting it in my coffee again anytime soon. Though that formula made milk is looking kind of tasty...

I come from a generation raised by in the 1970's, when there was a real strong "back to the land" ethic amongst certain groups of parents, including mine. My mother tells of her friends frying up afterbirth and serving it to guests for breakfast. And I remember one time this woman named Cat called up and asked if she could give birth to her baby in our living room. My mother said no. Earlier that year the babysitter had discovered pot plants drying in our closet. I'm not quite sure what this has to do with drinking breast milk, but I was just thinking about the various taboos we've built up around childbirth in our modern world and how those hippie types kind of sought to break them down. If you're at all interested in the subject of growing up with hippie parents I highly recommend this book by Maxine Swann called "Flower Children". Her parents were big time hippies and she writes quite well about it.

I suppose each generation believes they are bringing something new to the parenting world, but if anything I'd say we're more conservative and traditional than our parents. I'd like to add a little more unconventionalism to Elsie's life sometimes, just so I'd feel like we were breaking new ground. My brother in law was shocked when Maggie started breastfeeding Ida, her sister's baby, but apparently that's all been done before. I'm working on lactating myself, though I think I'll need to shave my chest before such a proposition becomes attractive to Elsie.

Travels With Baby, final chapter...

2007-09-12T20:57:00Z

After we left that cattle ranch in southern Idaho we headed up north to show Elsie to our friends Denis and Cindy who live in the rebel town of Bonner's Ferry. Actually they live pretty far outside of the town up towards the Canadian border. They raised two kids out in the woods there, homeschooling them, sort of. Denis said they basically just told the kids to do chores and amuse themselves as best they could. He also made them write papers for him every so often, so they did learn to write. Denis is quite a celebrated writer himself so they had a fine instructor. Both of their kids went on to high school and college so I guess it all worked out fine. Who needs grade school anyway?

Elsie had a good time playing upon Denis and Cindy's floor and getting chased around by "Colonel" their enormous bull mastiff who happened to have a cone (horse sized) wrapped around his neck to keep him from tugging at some fresh stitches on his tail. As usual Elsie showed no fear towards this large animal. When do babies learn to fear large animals? Once they get bit?

"Don't worry," said Cindy, "Colonel's harmless."

"Well he might eat her," said Denis.

But Colonel didn't eat our baby. The day before we arrived Denis' latest book had gotten a great review in the Times Book Review so he was in a good mood, though for the most part he doesn't read his reviews. For anyone unfamiliar with Denis Johnson's work I highly suggest reading the amazing "Jesus' Son" right away, and it seems this new book "Tree of Smoke" is pretty hot too. The Times called it "a major novel...something like a masterpiece"...not bad. Here he is holding up the strange picture they drew of him for the cover.

This area of Idaho is known for being home to quite a few "survivalist" types, in fact on the way in we passed the famed "Ruby Ridge" and when I asked Denis about this he told me that the same FBI agent who fired the first shot at Ruby Ridge was also the same guy who fired the first shot at Waco. Denis showed us around their own "compound" which included several funky outbuildings and a funky yellow sculpture called "Yellow Man" which he made out of a giant diesel fuel tank. Here is Elsie in front of it. There's an odd smiling face painted on the other side of it.

At night Cindy watched after Elsie and let us parents have some alone time in their awesome hot tub under the stars. It was nice nice to escape the baby after so many hours spent driving in the car with her. Here's Denis the next morning showing Elsie the best route from there to Portland.

And we made it! Portland at last! Elsie and her cousin Ida had a touching reunion and so now begin their childhood together. We're splitting a nanny. That's where Elsie is right now in fact, probably driving that poor young woman nuts with her newfound obsession, grabbing things and not letting go. She's got a strong little grip.