Diaper Bandit

Is Your Baby Gay?

When my mother first told us all that she was in a relationship with another woman, my sister and I were in college and being gay was quite popular, so we just felt this made us a little cooler.  Our father, long since remarried, claimed he knew there was something funny going on all along.   It was our grandmother, predictably, was had the most trouble adjusting to the news.  She kept saying over and over how it was us, the children, whom she was worried about. 

 

Everyone knows now that gay people make great parents, and the old objections about the kids getting teased and lacking this or that are probably fading away now that so many well adjusted kids with gay parents are moving along towards adulthood.  I was thinking about this the other day because over the weekend we had two friends from Holland visit us and they are gay.  Not everyone in Holland is gay, but these friends Todd and Sonder, are.  Here they are holding cousins Elsie and Ida.  We told them they could take the girls back to Amsterdam with them, but they declined.

 

 

 

On Saturday evening we sat around drinking liquor and discussing gay parents and gay babies and how I have a high percentage of gay people in my family so maybe there's such thing as a hereditary gay gene.  That's what got me to thinking about Elsie being gay, by the way.  Who knows?  Anyway, the next morning I had this slight headache for some reason and who should greet me at 6:30AM but Elsie smiling in her mother's arms, clanging two pots together.  Maggie lay our daughter and her pots in bed with me as she got ready to take a shower.
 

"Why did you give her two pots to play with?" I asked my wife.

 

"It was either them or the fire poker," she said.

 

It's true, Elsie loves that fire poker.  I wrenched one of the pots from her little fingers and tossed it on the floor, probably waking up our dutch guests who were sleeping downstairs.  Elsie can crawl now so my mornings of lying about while she played on the bed next to me are over.  We parents need to form some kind of union or something.  End the tyranny!  I knew exactly what fellow Babble blogger Rebecca Woolf was talking about on this post.  Our kids should have to sign some kind of sleep hours contract.  I wished Elsie would go back to sleep that morning, but she wouldn't, probably because she is gay.  I'm kidding!  Of course!  Anyway, I got out of bed and rolled around on the floor with little Elsie, like many other parents were no doubt doing on that particular Sunday, and eventually I started to feel a little better.


 

 

 

 

 

 


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Comments

 

Don Mills Diva said:

Great post - love the tags!

October 12, 2007 12:07 PM
 

John "Billy Goat" Anderson said:

What?  What are you even talking about, Bandit?  I am going to have to take a break from this.

October 12, 2007 10:00 PM
 

Pete said:

Not that you needed a lot of help or anything, but I agree that having a gay mother makes you cooler.

October 14, 2007 8:34 AM
 

stretch marks said:

I never told you that I was in a relationship with another woman.  I simply walked into the room with Jane and you looked up at us with this mischievous leer on your face.

October 14, 2007 3:17 PM
 

Shirley Weasel said:

Four on the floor!

October 18, 2007 12:18 AM
 

jenseju said:

Yah, having a gay mom gives you like 78 extra cool points. However, having gay Dutch friends who love babies gives you like a billion jillion cool points.

Having a gay kid only gets you 37, though. Subtract 19 if they turn out to be emo.

October 18, 2007 4:50 PM
 

DavidMatheson9 said:

Mischievous leer?  I thought in that "Children of Lesbians" support group you started in college that you said your Mom came out to you in a counseling session?  That was a great group, though--cool parties and babes galore.  You always had the best angles, Bandit.

October 19, 2007 5:52 PM
 

stretch marks said:

Arthur's mother did not come out to him in a counseling session

October 19, 2007 8:49 PM
 

stretch marks said:

Arthur's mother did not come out to him in a counseling session

October 19, 2007 8:50 PM
 

Andrew Smitheson said:

My Mom is not gay anymore.  But back in that group at yale I remember Arthur telling that story--it was a real show-stopper--about that counseling session.  More power to you.  I'm fine, by the way.

October 19, 2007 11:05 PM
 

Mandy Parshley, JE '93 said:

I remember a lot of us on the swim team thought you made up the gay mother bit (not that it didn't work!!!).  I'm glad it was actually the truth.

October 21, 2007 6:26 PM
 

Occhio said:

A Marfans gene may be as likely as a gay gene.  

Also, the Economist had an article not long ago about a study in Finalnd on the fertility of girls with twin brothers, who for some odd reason seem not to want to have children very much.  It said also that they tend to have large teeth and jaws, the better to bite with.

This is true (that the article said these things, that is.  I can't vouch for the truth of them).

Love,

Occhio

October 25, 2007 5:45 PM

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About the Blogger

Arthur Bradford

Arthur Bradford in Portland

His first book, Dogwalker, was published by Knopf in 2001, and in Vintage paperback in 2002. He is also the director of "How's Your News?", a documentary film series featuring news reporters with mental disabilities that has appeared on HBO, Cinemax, PBS and Trio (howsyournews.com).

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