Katie Allison Granjau over at Home/Work just wrote a great post about her Summertime Working Mother's Guilt. I've been wrestling alot with my feelings about my work / family balance, too, specifically as it pertains to my fiction and nonfiction writing -- a.k.a. the part of my work that doesn't pay me shite in monetary terms, but that I truly love, and dream of making at least part of a living at someday.
I've always felt extremely fortunate to have a situation where I can work part time (25-30 hrs/week) at a well-paid job-job that I really enjoy ("love" would be slightly too strong a word....it is advertising, after all) AND have time to be with the girls AND sneak in some time to write my own stuff, including this blog, AND even watch the occasional DVR-ed episode of 30 Rock. It's been tricky at times to maintain the balance, but mostly I've managed. Lately, though, it feels like it's gotten a lot harder to fit everything in.
My workload and responsibilities at work are, more and more frequently, oozing out beyond my set hours. (There's a reason why almost nobody works part-time at an ad agency; it's just not a punch-the-clock kind of job.) At the same time, taking care of the girls -- and their attendant needs -- seems to be taking up more time. They nap less and go to bed later. They make bigger messes. They eat more. (Does anyone else feel like they basically LIVE at the grocery store? Jeez!) As a result of all this, I'm finding less and less time to do my own writing. Because when I have to choose between two of the three things -- the job that pays the bills, my family, and my writing -- it's always the writing that gets the shaft.
Recently, though, we've been talking about the possibility of shifting our babysitter's schedule around so that on Wednesday afternoons, when I normally take care of the girls and Alastair works, I could write instead. That's potentially four or five extra hours of writing time per week, which would be awesome. And isn't really that much less time with the girls in the grand scheme of things. So....why do I feel guilty about the prospect?
I really could use another big chunk of writing time on a regular basis. Trying to squeeze in an hour here and there is fine to an extent, but to truly make progress, particularly when it comes to longer pieces, I need those bigger stretches. On the other hand, a part of me wonders if I shouldn't be trying so hard to make time for writing in general. Maybe I should put that part of my life on hold for a few years -- or at least scale back more significantly -- and get back into it when the girls are slightly less high maintenance and slightly less adorable. (But do they ever get less high maintenance or less adorable, in one way or another?)
If we make this change, I'll still have 3-day weekends with the girls. And I usually get home from work at a reasonable hour so I can hang out with the girls for a bit and put them to bed. For a lot of moms who work full time outside the home, neither of these things is possible. But I like the fact that I'm not a full-time working mom. At the same time -- and maybe this is where the guilt kicks in -- as much as I love my girls, I really don't miss them that much when I'm working, whether I'm at my "real" job or upstairs in my office writing.
I mean, sure -- I'm always happy to see them when I'm done. But it's not like I'm sitting there thinking "Gosh, I'd rather be out at the playground or drawing with sidewalk chalk or refereeing whiney toy disputes." I mean, I'd hate it if I NEVER got to do those things. But I don't feel the need to be doing them more than I already am. And I feel like maybe I could even handle a little less, if it meant I could make more headway on the work that I'm passionate about.
I know that some women love being with their children as much as possible, and hate that they have to go back to work. I know -- and have always known -- that that's not me. I also know that I would never make the choice to spend so much time and energy on my career(s) that I barely ever got to see my children. But here I am in sort of a middle zone, where it's harder to draw the lines and make the choices and figure out what I really want -- or what I really ought to do.
How do you draw the line between selfish and self-preservation? How do you process the working / parenting dilemma? Any parents of older kids out there, have you regretted any of your choices after the fact?
Sorry this is such a rambly and, probably, repetitive post. Not one of my more eloquent efforts. But who's got time to edit??!
PS -- speaking of the writing / parenting balancing act, a couple of Father's Day-related events in the Boston area from my friend and former Babble Blogger Steve Almond,. On June 9th at 6pm, a panel discussion on "Being a Father" with Sven Birkerts, Ben George, and Jennifer Boylan at the Brattle Theatre in Cambridge. There's also a special Father's Day Reading @ Porter Square Books, Wednesday, June 17, 2009 at 7:00 p.m. And yes, Steve is giving me free chocolate in exchange for including these listings in my blog. I can always be bribed with chocolate.
