It pleases me to no end that my girls are still getting almost exclusively breastmilk. When I was pregnant, my attitude toward breastfeeding/breastmilk-feeding was always, "if I can do it for a while, great; if not, no big deal." I never expected I'd be able to do it for this long, especially given that I work and given that, well, TWO BABIES.
I also never expected that I'd enjoy nursing so much. I find I appreciate it even more lately: because both girls so active and alert, it's one of the few opportunities left for calm, quiet, physical closeness -- especially with Elsa, who is so eager to move and explore that it's hard to even get her to sit in my lap and look at a book for a few minutes. The other plus is that nursing is so convenient. No bottles to warm or formula to mix, nothing to carry or wash. If it's chow time, no matter where we are, I can just lift up my shirt and voila! Free Mardi Gras beads! Oh, wait, that was a different time... (But, oh, the Mardi Gras loot I could get with the bigger, better knockers I've got now. Another benefit of nursing that I'm not eager to give up. TMI? Yes. Sorry.)
Anyway, if I were a stay-at-home mom, I think I might easily end up nursing my girls until they were two years old. Why not? But I'm not a SAHM. Which means that in order to keep serving up the mama's milk, I've got to pump. And I gotta admit, it's beginning to wear on me.
Twice a day Mondays and Tuesdays and once on Wednesdays and Thursdays (when I only work mornings), I unplug my laptop and hide away in a little room with a shower and a sink at the back of the office next to the HVAC room, which most people in the company don't even know about. I turn on the dim single bulb, sit on the step of the shower, throw on a hands-free pumping bra (best invention ever), set up the pump, and milk myself like a Holstein for the next twenty or so minutes. I can keep working on my laptop while I pump, and the wireless works, so I can even still get email and meeting requests -- not to mention check for new comments on my blog. (Shh -- don't tell my boss.)
So what's the problem, you ask? It doesn't sound so bad. Well, it's not so bad. It's really no more than a minor inconvenience. But, like I said, it's starting to wear on me. It's a drag having to lug the pump back and forth to work. And it's a drag to have to schedule meetings around pumping sessions or even -- as I've had to do several times -- figure out a place and time to pump while meeting at a client's office or during a recording session. And I know there's no shame whatsoever in breastfeeding, but -- call me old fashioned -- I can't help feeling a little self-conscious each time I walk past the desks of no fewer than eight male colleagues on my way to go pump, knowing that they all know where I'm headed and what I'm about to do. For those wondering why I don't pump in my own office -- it's because I don't have one. We work in low-walled cubicles in a big, open space. Dynamic, creative, collaborative environment and all that. Synergy. Innovation. Thinking outside the box. Etc.
I would consider tapering off of pumping over the next couple of months, so that on workdays, I just nurse the girls first thing in the morning and in the evening before they go to bed. But here's the question: what happens when I work half days, or Friday through Sunday when I'm not working at all? Will my milk supply re-up so I can nurse for all feedings, or will I have to stick to the same routine and bottle-feed the girls all but morning and evening? And if my supply does go back up, then when I go back to work again on Monday, I probably won't be able to get through the day without pumping. See? Methinks it has to be all or nothing.
Anyway, I just registered for a conference happening in New York at the end of January. It will be the first time since the girls were born that I'll be away from them for even one night, let alone four. They'll be thirteen months old, and I'm thinking of it as sort of a marker for when I'll stop nursing them -- unless, of course, they decide to wean themselves before then.
I think I'll be ready, but it's hard to say for sure. No matter when I stop nursing, I'm sure it will be bittersweet. I'll enjoy having more freedom and I'll definitely enjoy retiring the pump. But I'll miss the closeness, the intimacy, and the convenience. And, well, dammnit, I'm going to miss being a C-cup.
Nursing Elsa (I think?) way back in February
