In this madcap modern world, many toddlers may find themselves wondering if good, old-fashioned manners have simply up and died. Certainly, it feels natural enough to descend to the vulgarity of the culture around us. But if there's one thing I've learned in my fifteen months on earth, it's that we must strive to behave with a certain feminine dignity.
This is why, for the first time ever, I'll be offering my exclusive course, How to Become a Model Toddler. Among the facets we'll cover in this hands-on workshop are:
PHYSICAL GRACE & APPROPRIATE POSTURE
Nobody loves a toddler who slouches. But how to practice your poise with limited resources? Why not try this innovative regimen. I call it, Six Weeks to Sippy Cup Perfection. Magnifique!
NO MEANS NO: PORTION CONTROL
It's easy enough, especially in the holiday season, to let one or two Cheerios become a whole box. That's why the disciplined toddler needs to learn how to restrain from gluttony -- even if that means making a dramatic gesture.
ROAD RAGE NEVER PAYS
Perhaps you've faced a similar dilemma. There you are on your morning constitutional and all of us a sudden there's an obstacle blocking your path. In the past, I've been known to throw a giant fit, involving, if necessary, the use of poop as a projectile. But no longer. Now I just fix the world with a smile and wait for the road to clear.
TODDLERS MAKE BETTER DOORS THAN WINDOWS
While it's certainly tempting to park yourself right in front of the TV, the polite toddler knows that this will only result in a rude relocation. Why invite trouble from the drooling addicts who call themselves adults?
MAKE THOSE AROUND YOU LOOK GOOD
While taking a nice photo is a big part of the finished toddler, knowing how to make your support staff look good is also essential. My hair looks like crap above, and that pink bink is a huge clash with my skin tone. But the most important thing is that Mom looks hot. Sometimes, the best move is to take one for the team.
This is just a small sampling of what you'll learn when you enroll in Ms. Josephine's Finishing Class for Toddlers. For more information, simply leave your name and number (along with an approved credit card number) in the comments space below.
I sincerely hope to hear from all of you, as we prepare for the new year.
Yours in blissful decorum,
Ms. Josephine
