Baby Daddy

My husband and I found ourselves in pretty much the same position. The only differences being that he's 7 years older than me, doesn't write books for a living, and we're both the eldest in our families. Anyway, our daughter is 16 months old, and we'd begun to think about #2. I'd pretty much said, anytime after the holidays is fine, mostly because I really have a hard time facing this glorious time of year without booze. Once we'd made this decision, we somehow forgot how to use condoms, nature took the process out of our hands (He says, "You are insatiable when you're ovulating!" She says, "You're the one that's supposed to wrap it!"), and I'm facing another sober Solstmas.

I guess the moral of the story is this: Have random unprotected sex, enjoy the excitement, let it happen when it happens, just wait until the New Year.

We had random unprotected sex when my eldest was 13 months old.  Gosh, those first 4 months were HELL when the baby was born but it is getting easier every day.  I get all teary when my now 33 month old plays so sweetly with her 12 month old sister.  They are so happy to be sisters!  It was the best "accident" we ever made.  =)  

We made the choice to start trying and just like the first time, it happened right away. The result was two kids just under three years apart. And, what was so beautiful was that I have never had two in diapers at the same time.

I too am younger than my husband ( 10.5 years) and so the urgency was slightly elevated by his concern that I would put him in the "home" before the kids hit high school. ( I still might) But we have had no regrets about the spacing.

My son had a few years all to himself and now my daughter is getting that same luxury since her big bro has started kindergarten.

I had my kids three years apart, though I had a miscarriage between the two. I'd go for getting it over with--as long as you're dealing with diapers, you're dealing with diapers.

That said, I finished writing my first book while preggers with my first kid, had it published when my second was a few months old, then hardly wrote a word for the next three years. But now I'm mining those lost years for my column and getting paid for it, so it's not like my brain totally disappeared into the black hole of baby wrangling. I don't think.

Just dive back in the deep end. Since you asked.  

My husband and I are in the same place. We have one very active 19 month old who is perfectly content to go on being the totally adored center of everyone's attention. My husband is ready to go for number 2 and I am too, but then the doubts kick in. I actually think the second one is becoming scarier than the first ever was. How will they get along? Will I, being the one who stays at home for the time being, turn into one of those frazzled parents who doesn't brush their hair or abandon their sweat pants and always has multiple children climbing  on them and  whining?

I've also consulted other friends. Some say it's best to get the baby years over with all at the same time and some say you need at least three years apart. In the end, only you know what you can handle. And I've got a theory going that the second baby will be completely opposite from the first, so maybe more easy going and subdued? Who knows. But good luck.

Our first is not quite 8 months old but we're already giving number two a chance. We like the idea of random unprotected sex, since number one required 8 months of timing and planning. So if number two comes along sooner rather than later, we're all for it. Also, I'm 32, so if there is a fertility problem, I'd rather find out when I'm 33 rather than when I'm 35. I'd also entertain the notion of a third or maybe even fourth, which pushes the issue. My misgivings are around division of labour (so to speak). I don't think my babydaddy is pulling his weight around here - it can only get worse with a second, right?

I recommend having twins the first time so you don't have to worry about it.

Heh heh.

My only sibling is five years older than me, and my parents were (relatively) old when they had him (dad 35, mom 33). I adored him as a child and he mostly ignored me. We got along well, but didn't really develop a relationship until he left for college. Now we marvel at how we skipped all of the sibling squabbles.

The night I went into labor with my second child, I sat on the edge of my 2-year-old's red firetruck bed, watched him sleep and cried. Cried because he wasn't going to be my baby anymore. Cried because life as he knew it was over. Cried because I felt like the meanest mommy in the world for doing this to him. He's eight now. His brother is one of his best friends... and now he wants a sister.

Jennifer- I did the same thing.  Good to know I am not the only one.

My 2 are 20 months apart.  They are only 1 and 2.5 years old, but they do clearly adore each other.  Career and other life considerations made it seem like it was best to get all my breeding done in a quick and condensed fashion, but all that aside, we got pregnant so soon after our first child because we just really wanted another baby.  I guess that's really the only reason that matters.

Lisa

We were in sort of the same situation:  I was eight years younger than my 40-something husband.  The only difference is it took five years of unprotected sex to concieve the first time.  After waiting so long, I really wanted to enjoy my first baby, and, like Erin, feared I'd miss him.  I also LOVED breast feeding and only weaned my first (at 22 months) when it was obvious he'd lost interest.  

My husband insisted we shouldn't wait any longer, as we were both anticipating another five-year wait.  Instead, number two happened right away, and I almost wished I'd waited longer.  However, this gave us a 2.5 year gap, which ended up being just perfect.

My first two are 4.5 years apart; the next two are 22 months apart.  I had no control over the timing in any case-- there was infertility involved, and then there wasn't; go figure-- but I will say this:  It worked out great.  I've never met a parent who doesn't think the space between their children is the perfect amount of time.  You love the kid you get, whenever s/he arrives.

I'm probably not the right person to chime in on this.

Yours truly with 5 children...

A

I just had my second baby. My first was only 10 month old when  he was conceived. The second pregnancy was 10 times harder than the first. Then, I read in two different books, that it takes your body 18 months to recover from a pregnancy. No wonder. I was tired the entire time and had absolutely no energy to play with my toddler, which makes a mother very sad and self loathing.

Then again, I'm done. I only want two, so now I've checked "make family" off my To Do list.

I think you can still manage to write your books with two kids, once the  hard part of the first few months is behind you. I would just recommend waiting until Josie is at least 18 months old.

My second daughter absolutely and passionately adores her older sister, so any early annoyance my oldest may have had at first was washed away by the glow of her sister's worship. :)

I say, do it, dude. But do it in a laid-back way, casual unprotected sex may take a minute, may take six months but that way you're not putting pressure on yourself or babymama's self. Unless of course you want a Libra baby. Or some such sign. (I know people who try for signs, ps.) We're looking at a 4 year age difference up in deez parts. We'll see.

The wife and I debated that from the time we got engaged until three months into the pregnancy.  And then we found out it was twins.  Problem solved, but at the expense of all sorts of new problems.

Well, I don't have kids. But I was one, once! I am the oldest of three girls (and there was another sister that was just mine, but she didn't live with us, so although she is my sister and I love her she doesn't enter in to your equation). There are two and a half years between me and the second, and then another three and a half between her and the third.

I hated my first sister when she came. I clearly remember wanting my parents to take her back. However, I didn't say this (I'm told), and VERY quickly grew out of it. She was MINE, and I loved her. She followed me everywhere, and it was mostly awesome. It was like having my own pet. I think, however, that had she been much younger, it would have been hard to include her at all. With the difference in our ages, we could easily have lives outside of each other, which was really necessary for our sanity. I'm not sure there had to be so much time, but I would think a year and a half would have been the minimum for us.

Now, however, with my baby sister. She is six years younger than me. We all get along beautifully now and spend lots of time together talking and laughing and playing with my youngest sister's new baby (!), but when my sisters and I were children I, at least, excluded the youngest horribly. There were just too many years between us. She couldn't keep up in any games we wanted to play, and I didn't want to slow down.

I'm not saying I never played with her, because I have distinct memories of doing so. I loved her. But she annoyed me. Cramped my style. So it was just easier for me to leave her behind in our play than to include her. And she really remembers it. Luckily, she and my other sister were close enough in age so that they played sometimes (L was much nicer than me), and MR was independent and excelled at making friends (and loyal minions), so she wasn't without entertainment.

Overall, if you want three, I 'think' it's better to start sooner than later. Space 'em one, one and a half years apart. You could prolly do two years apart, but if you put six between the oldest and the youngest, don't expect those two to play nice all the time. At least not until they are both adults and learn to have an adult relationship not based on their ages. Also, it might be nice to move through the stages of all so you can enjoy when they grow up and make you proud that you raised them so well. :)

Just a side note: We DID turn out fine. Whatever you do will be fine. Any combination of differences in ages is going to be alright! How you teach your kids to interact with each other will shape their future interactions, even if there does happen to be a bit of scuffle when they are young. That is part of finding out who you are, and where you fit.

I love my sisters, and I wouldn't now have our ages any other way. I find constant enjoyment in their company, and expect to be close to them for the rest of my life. They are my best friends. The relationships I have with my sisters, and with my parents, are the best thing that my parents ever gave me. Because I really can't imagine even life being this fun without them in it.

I so did the EXACT same thing as Jennifer!  I cried and cried at how I was betraying my oldest when we were on our way to drop her off at her auntie's and then go to the hospital.  Boy, I could cry thinking about it now.

But 22 months between the kids has worked pretty well for us.  A month or so ago (They are 3 and 14 months now) I was driving and at a stoplight when I turned back to look at them.  There they were –– just casually HOLDING HANDS.  Wow.  I could cry about that too, it's so beautiful.

So, we have a perfect girl and a perfect boy.  How lucky can you get?  Why would we think of having more?  I feel greedy when I let my mind wander there.  Or maybe like we'd be tempting fate and come up with some problems.

I'm 41 and my husband is 37.  If we're going to do it, I'd like to try this summer in hopes for a Spring baby since we have two Fall babies.  The second was WAY faster to conceive, so I imagine this won't be an issue.  I also like the idea of continuing in Baby Mode since we're already there.  Then we can all move on together.  

However!  I just don't know if I can do it!  Most days I am just so fried by the time I fall into bed.  We'd be putting ourselves back another couple of years.  Still ...  I can't stop thinking about it.  One more!  What fun!!

I accidentally got pregnant with #1 nine months after #2 was born. I was so pissed, and that just BARELY passed when I actually birthed #2 - BUT, now they are 1 and 2 years old, and I'm so glad that they are less than 17 months apart. They play like they're twins, and I know that closeness is only going to grow as they age. Though I wouldn't DREAM of having #3 yet, when I do, I want to have #3 and #4 less than 18 months apart.

I find all these comments insightful and want to think about them collectively for a while.  The one I would most want to hear more from is Allie with five.  Anyone that can love that many siblings and still be sane has a lot of valuable information to provide.  She is definitely management material!

There are pros and cons for every time table.  It all boils down to how much the both of you love each other - and the babies - over your self-wants.  Each sibling teaches you to sacrifice more of yourself to get those little arms clinging around you while they're saying, "I love you."

If you think of your partner's wishes ahead of your's, you'll do fine.

I've heard people say you should either have kids less than 18 months apart, so that they're too little to really understand what's happening, or more than three years, so that the older one has the maturity to work through her emotions.  Ours are three years exactly, and it's been great.  The older one is a great helper, he goes to pre-school so I get to spend time alone with the little one, etc.

P.S.-- I think you regret the time you miss with your younger one more than the time you miss with the older.  That's been my experience, anyways!  You just don't get all that much one-on-one time with the younger baby.  

GPaw, Many things can be and have been said about Allie - I don't believe Sane ever has been one, though.

Our story: Worked on creating Oldest child for oh, about a year. After working opposite shifts, being up with baby, etc, we went more than a year without bumping uglies. Finally, everything clicks, and we share fluids. Well, next time old Auntie Flo is supposed to visit, she leaves the country instead. Imagine our consternation.

All said, having a little more than 2 years between them, seems to work well. They are the best of friends.

We won't be having a second (at least, on purpose) until the first is able to help.  And I'd like to get through the dreaded portion of the 3s first.  I can't deal with a newborn and a tantrum at the same time.

Me?  Not sane?  TD, you jest.  My first 2 were 17 months apart, going from 1 to 2 was an adjustment to say the least and I felt the same kind of betrayal to daughter that others have mentioned, someone else was invading her womb....but you get over that and she adored her brother.  Now, not so much as she is 12 and he is 10....but everything after number 2 was a piece of cake.

I am an anomaly in that I have such a large brood, you really dont see that nowadays, but they all get along for the most part  (as I type this the 7 year old and 4 year old are fighting over dental floss?) but I can't imagine life any other way.  Now my sister, she is insane.  Has a 14 year old and a 2 week old.  No thank you.

TD, me, not sane?  You jest.

My first 2 are 17 months apart, and it was a huge adjustment...everyone after that was relatively easy.  I realize that not many people have such large families anymore, I dont really know what I was thinking, but I can't imagine it any other way.  I had that same sense of betrayal to number 1 when when pregnant with number 2, but she adored her brother and it was fine in the end, now not so much as she is 12 and he is 10...they all look out for each other and get along reasonably well (as I type this the 4 year old and 7 year old are fighting about dental floss).  Gpaw has it right when he says the time table has pros and cons...then again, I never had one so what do I know.

whoops, posted twice.  damn wireless connection wasnt lost after all.

We're wrestling with the same question.

I'm 40 and my husband is 27 (!!). I brought three fab kids to the marriage. They're 16, 12 and almost 10. And now we have a 4 month old baby girl. So we have four children, but three of them are at their father's half the time. We don't want BabyGirl to be a faux only when her siblings are gone to their dad's or after they grow up and move out. But given my age, we don't have that long to decide whether we want to add #5. Plus, we're not really sure how the whole childcare thing would get worked out...

I do love the idea of two little ones really close together, but I'm not sure if my body or sanity would love the idea as much.

Sigh.

Siblings aren't going to be a guaranteed friend to each other, but no matter what the age split and personalities, siblings always teach each other lessons and expand each others perspectives.  And although it is exponentially more difficult with two (and each thereafter) when they are wee, once they reach the age of communication the time they can play together (or otherwise distract one another) gives parents some real time off.

I have to second the sentiment that siblings are not necessarily going to be friends. My hub has 5 sibs and I have one, and while we all get along fine, none of them would really be considered real 'friend' material.

I'll be the lone voice to say there is nothing wrong will only having one, if that is even a consideration. I have to say that my son's friends with siblings have parents who are really, really stretched. (We are late thirties, so I am not talking about the under 30-set. ) Of course it gets better as they get older, but I guess I am not willing to do it all again, the nappies, up-all-nights, etc.  so that my son has a "Maybe" playmate. I always joke that there is almost nothing I wouldn't do for my son, except bring another human being in the world for him.

But, I know some people do feel a real desire to have more children. I would say that the test should be that you are doing it because you feel compelled to, and not because you 'should.'

An excellent book on the subject is Bill McKibbens "Maybe One."

Good Luck!

I think no matter when your babe comes there will be pros and cons and you will deal...you can't plan everything as we learned in losing our micro-planned pregnancy late in the game...

I think you shoud probably just go for it. Don't want to sound like a downer but it might take you more time to conceive than you realize. We had problems getting pregnant and as a result I really wish we'd started earlier. Been trying for a year for number two.

You won't regret doing it, but you may regret not.

My husband is nine years older than I am, so waiting meant that we're really old with our second (now 2.5 months old) but the 5-year-gap between our kids was essential for our sanity, particularly mine.  My first is very high-maintenance and loves me in a way that sometimes seems less "affectionate child" and more "obsessed stalker"; if we'd had another when he was little it would have been hellish.  Now he's old enough to be tolerant of the baby in a way that simply wouldn't have been possible when he was a toddler.  However, I think it depends a lot on your own personalities, your first's personality, and a wild card, which is what the second child's personality will be like.  I don't think there's any particular gap that guarantees either freedom from rivalry or good friendship because so much depends on the kids themselves and what they're like as they get older.  So if now seems like a good idea, maybe you should go with it.  With us, we had to wait until I quit saying "I WILL NEVER HAVE ANOTHER BABY EVER!!!" and that took about four years.

I have two boys, ages 28 months and 8 months.  Yep, it's a circus at our house.  I am so in love with them I think my heart will burst when I stare at them at night - while they are sleepign peacefully, of course.  Don't ask me when one is cyring saying, "Hold me, and the other is screaming for the same thing."  Daddy's probably int he bathroom going on 10 mintues by this time.  Anyway...My two cents.  

1) You are obviously loving parents and understand that the minor inconvieniences of raising young children are worth going through considering the enormous joy you recieve in return

2)  You want another one.

I guarantee that when your wife thinks she might be pregant she will question whether or not you are really ready.  "This can't happen yet, it's too soon!" she'll say to herself.  She'll go out and buy a pregnancy test without your knowledge.  She'll take the test in the bathroom at work hoping no one will realize why she's waiting in there for two mintues.  She'll spend those two mintues fretting and worrying, telling herself, "What is my husband going to say?  I just got my body back from the first one.  I can't leave work again."  And then, when she dares to turn around and look at the test she will see two pink lines.  Then she will smile a huge, elated, bursting with happiness smile, and know that it's time.  

It'll probably go like that, but maybe not the work bathroom thing.  

We have a 3.5 year old hellion and a 9 month old super mellow baby.  That gap was needed because the thought of being pregnant and taking care of said hellion was an impossible thought for me.  All age gaps bw sibs have their pluses and trade-offs. I don't think anything is perfect or terrible.  If the question though is when you want to maximize time to write and child care is an issue, think about having the two closer together. I write (but make currently what amounts to pennies) and a big thing for me was the realization that I cannot afford to spend time writing and making no money when I have to pay someone to watch the kids. At what point will you be able to have free time without paying for it?  i.e. when the kids are old enough to be in kindergarten (if you do public school). Or if you have really, really nice family members.

As others have said, all spacing has its pros and cons and what works great for one family doesn't for another.  As for me, I love close siblings.  My 2 are 15 months apart.  #1 was an easy pregnancy and easy baby. By 6 mos I was thinking, "I want another one!"  Being older was a factor too -- I was 35 when #2 was born, DH was 42 and we thought for a while we might have a 3rd.  Having them close also minimizes the time that I'm out of FT work since I plan to be a mostly SAHM until #2 is in school.  Too ignorant to know better was also a factor LOL...I had easy babies but find the toddler/preschool years VERY challenging.  If I'd waited until #1 was 2-3 years old we might still be waiting on #2!

I didn't want to hassle w/ bf-friendly BC so, a couple months of infrequent unprotected sex and boom!  #2 was on the way.  I was pretty freaked out at first but was soon happy about it.  When I would later watch friends be pg w/ a 2 or 3 year old I think I had it easy -- for that miserable 1st trimester my son wasn't even crawling yet.  We'd just hang out together on the sofa.  Also he still took 2 naps a day when my daughter was born. I was able to sync up their naps pretty quickly so I got enough down time to sustain me.  Now they are 3 and 4 and great playmates, most of the time.  They spend hours on their imaginative play.  I wonder what only children do all day LOL.  They are interested in similar activities, share playmates, and we only spent a total of 3 1/2 years dealing w/ diapers since #2 was potty trained just a couple months after #1 (late training boy, early training girl)

So I'd say, go for it!